our more-or-less worthless critters Our local paper has a feature that Joni and I call "The Pet Parade," where they have photos and descriptions of the animals that are up for adoption at the county shelter. The descriptions of each critter are effusive masterpieces extolling how wonderful, kind, gentle, and loving each animal is. It almost makes you wonder how on earth any of those critters ever wound up there. Well, I know how they could have wound up there: they could be like our pets, who do little more than make noise, make messes, and make trouble (when they aren't making expensive vet bills). When they get really bad, I imagine what it would be like if I dropped them off at the pound (not that I ever would, in real life, mind you) and opened the paper the next week to find their photos in "The Pet Parade." Let me translate for you what the animal folks would say... (Click on each thumbnail to see a larger version of each photo) "The Pet Parade" would say:  Cookie. Female Lab/beagle mix. Five years old.  Energetic and playful. Likes treats. Very affectionate!  Translation: Cookie, aka Monkey Dog, aka Cookie the Wookie.  Woefully undersized. Spastic. Needy. Clingy. Whines for dog biscuits.  Won't leave you the hell alone, already. "The Pet Parade" would say: Clawdia. Female domestic shorthair. About two years old.  Frisky. Gorgeous. Would prefer to be an "only pet."  Needs a loving, patient owner who can provide special care. Translation: Clawdia, aka Al-Qaeda Cat, aka Little Cat C.  Beautiful, but evil. Likes to randomly bite and claw feet. Scratches woodwork. Terrorizes dogs.  Often has fleas and worms, resulting in high vet bills. "The Pet Parade" would say: Cecilia. Female beagle/basset mix. About four years old.  Sweet and cuddly. Likes to be outdoors. Needs an attentive owner.  Translation: Cecilia, aka Princess Frecklebutt, aka Cici, aka The Phantom Widdler. Lies on your feet when you are trying to sleep. Prone to jumping the fence and running off.  Likes to pee in the house when you're not looking. If you want a nice, low-maintenance pet that doesn't eat a lot, make noise, or is an annoying pain in the butt, may I recommend either an amphibian (like our toad Mowbrey, below left) or an arthropod (like our hermit crabs, center and below right)? You keep them in a tank, you feed 'em once a week, and they don't piss on the rug, slash you for no reason, or spazz all over you. Of all the pets we own, they're my favorites. Posted May 2008