If my imaginary cover band idea never comes to fruition, I might become a country-western songwriter. Here are some of the country-western songs I have yet to write:

• “Put On a Shirt, Irv”
• “40 Pounds of Poop in a Bag”
• “Don’t Make Me Break My Foot Off in Your Ass, Beotch”
• “Shut Up, Wench, I’m Done Talkin’ To You” 
• “You’re Fat, But I’m Ugly, So We’re Good”
• “My Dog Hates You, So Get Dressed and Get Out”
• “My Truck’s Bigger Than Your Truck”
• “Nice Man-Boobs, Chuck”
• “‘R’ Is For Ravens, ‘R’ Is For ‘Retards’ (This Song Is For Brian Billick)”
• “Somehow, This Landfill Reminds Me of You”
• “Just How Big is Your Momma Gonna Get, Anyway?”
• “The More That I Drink, The More I Hate You: Let’s Call It A Night”
• “Nowhere’s Scarier Than Gisela, Arizona” 
• “If You’re Goin’ To The Store, Pick Me Up A Senorita or Two”
• “My Name Really Is ‘Smitty’: It Says So Right There”
• “When Osama Nukes Baltimore, I Guess There’ll Be No More Scrapple”
• “Danny Snyder’s A Dead Man If He Comes Up to Section 442”
• “The ‘7 Bottles of Budweiser’ Dance”
• “Ladies Love It When I Leave the Lights Off”
• “Honey, The Bathroom Fan Ain’t Pullin’ Its Weight”
• “Somebody Tell Me Why My Daughter’s Marrying A Cupcake” 
• “No Point In Not Farting Now”
• “I Got Money You Haven’t Spent Yet”
• “I Might Be Stupid, But My Buddy’s Got Beer, So Let’s Go”
• “It’s Okay, Honey, The Other Woman’s Fatter Than You”
• “Good Thing I’m Not Picky; Good Thing You Ain’t, Either”
• “Don’t Make Me Strike You (It Might Be Habit-Forming)”
• “Cat, What Did You Do In My Boot?”
• “Radioactive Mutant Hillbilly Stomp (Gisela, Arizona Revisited)”
• “You Put The ‘Fun’ In “Fundamentalist Whacko’”
• “Who Cares What They Make Slim Jims Out Of?”
• “I Must Have Been Drinkin’, Cuz Rosie O’Donnell Was Startin’ To Look Good To Me”
• “Hell Yeah, I’d Still Do Britney”
• “The Trainwreck Tammy Blues”
• “Even The Ravens Score More Times Than Me”
• “You Can Tell A Lot About A Woman By The Loser She Lives With”

Posted November 2007