At the risk of sounding like I’m boasting, I think we’ve done a pretty good job at raising our kids. They get excellent grades, they use good manners, they don’t get into trouble at school, and they aren’t divas or headcases. Both our kids are smart, talented, and are usually fun-loving and pleasant. 

Sometimes, folks I know ask how come our kids are so “good.” Part of it is luck, of course. Part of it, I think, is things Joni and I attempt to do. If you want, I’ll tell you how we raise our kids, but first, there are four very important things to bear in mind:

1) Our kids are not perfect angels. They can—and do—act up.
2) Joni and I are fully aware that there’s no guarantee that sometime in the near future, one or both of our girls won’t suddenly go off the rails and start skipping school, smoking, drinking, taking drugs, shoplifting, etc.
3) Just because we raise them in a certain way doesn’t mean we think poorly of folks who can’t or don’t do the same. Please don’t think I’m trying to rag on your parenting style, because I’m not. 
4) The purpose of this little essay is not to tell you how to raise your kids: I’m just trying to tell you what’s worked for us. Of course, I think how we're doing it is best, but it's best only for us. Your situation is different, and what works for us might not work for you. 

• Our kids come first.  We know it, and they know it. Which is to say that neither of us might have a new car until both of them are out of college. We live modestly in a small house and don't spend a lot on creature comforts for ourselves.
• We have the “traditional family.”  Meaning that Joni and I are married and I work full time. When the girls were younger and needed Joni more, she worked part-time so that she could be around. Now that they're older, she works full-time out of our home, so she is still here if they need her. 
• We present the “united front.”  Joni and I try to anticipate potential conflicts with the kids and agree ahead of time on what our response will be (“No, you are not allowed to the house dressed like that, and if you don’t believe me, ask your father”). 
• We’re big believers in routines and schedules.  I stress to my kids that every morning, you have to get up at a certain time, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush your teeth, and brush your hair. At night, they have to eat dinner, take a shower, put on pajamas, brush their teeth, and go to bed at a certain time. We’re flexible with the times on the weekends, but you’re still probably not going to find us in jammies at 4:00 on a Saturday afternoon.
• We insist that certain things are non-negotiable.  Using good manners, trying their best in school, being respectful to us and each other (even if they’re arguing with us or each other)—these things are not optional. Neither is smoking, drinking, or taking drugs: we’ve made it plain to them (especially Beth, who’s a teenager now), that we won’t tolerate those. 
• We keep tabs on their school work.  We ask about—and make sure they do—their homework. We go to parent-teacher conferences. We pay attention to their progress reports, and we reward them for excellent grades.
• We don’t overdo the afterschool activities.  Once a week, we take the girls to dance class. Every so often, they have horseback riding lessons. Beth has her weekly church youth group meeting. That’s about it.
• We give them plenty of time to “goof off.”  Unstructured free time is underrated.
• We encourage reading.  When our girls were younger, we read to them every day, and now they read so much that it’s difficult to get them to do anything else. We have literally hundreds of kids’ books in our house, and Joni takes them to the library every week to borrow more. 
• We watch hardly any TV. Unless there's a Steeler game on, it’s rare when the kids watch more an hour of TV a week. And neither of them have a TV in their room.
• We keep the computer in a central spot.  And we limit what they can do and the amount of time they spend on it. Lately, we’ve been butting heads with Beth about how much time she spends on Facebook: I try to tell myself that it’s just a phase….
• We know who their friends are.  And we ask about what they’re doing with them.
• We don’t spank them.  Joni and I believe that all you get when you hit your kids is kids who learn to hate you.
• We tell them we love them.  Every day. 
• We tell them we are proud of them.  And not just for doing well in school. Our love for them is not performance-based.
• We don’t talk down to them or make fun of them.  I don’t want to end up in the nursing home that smells like pee.
• We don’t knock what they like.  Am I wild about High School Musical or Hairspray? No. Am I gonna hurt Ally’s feelings by dissing her (currently) favorite movies? No. Why would I do that? 
• We get involved in their interests, and involve them (if they want to) in ours.  When they were younger, Beth and Ally wanted to be in Girl Scouts, so Joni helped with Beth’s troop and was the leader of Ally’s. I’ve lost track of how many “kid movies” I’ve watched with them. Beth wanted a pet frog, so we got her one; Ally wanted hermit crabs, so we got those, too. We play tennis and “Rock Band” together, and so on.
• We take them seriously.  You know that obviously patronizing voice that some adults use when talking to kids? Where they open their eyes really wide and pretend to be excited and say “Wow!” and “Really?” a lot, and generally speak like they’ve temporarily lost 50 IQ points? That tone of voice that they’d never, ever use with another adult? We’ve never talked like that to our kids.
• We take our kids with us.  On vacations, out to dinner, out to movies (age-appropriate, of course—I’m not taking Ally to an R-rated horror movie). We go to the mall with them, on walks with them, we do errands with them. We just like having them around, you know?
• We are with our kids when they're around.  Meaning that we don't ignore them: we're physically present and mentally tuned into them. When they talk, we give them our complete attention (as much as is possible, of course--sometimes, they want to talk when we're in the middle of making dinner or up on a ladder somewhere). They’re older now, so we don’t have to constantly keep an eye on them, but when they were younger, we did. Because, the thing about kids is, you have them, and then, you have them.
• We give them chores.  But they’re not our servants. There is a difference.
• We involve them in major decisions.  I’m not saying that they get the final say, but we do keep them informed and, when appropriate, let them weigh in on the decision-making (“Would you rather go on several short vacations or one long one?”).
• We take them to church.  And Sunday school. Every week. We say grace before meals; we pray for people when the ambulance goes by. We try to live our religion in front of them. Old-fashioned and square, but there it is.
• We limit our vices.  No drugs. No smoking. No stopping by the bar or the strip club on the way home from work. Square and old-fashioned, but there it is. 

Good luck with your own kids.
 
 

Posted November 2009