There are some sports things that are very popular, and I have no idea why.

Baseball. Baseball can be okay if:

• It’s minor league AND you’re actually at the ballpark AND they’re having a promotion (giveaways, fireworks after the game, letting kids meet the players or run the bases or play catch in the outfield) AND your intent is simply to hang out, have a hot dog and a beer, enjoy the sunshine and relax; or
• As something to have on TV on a summer day (or evening) while you hang out with your friends, drink beer or other adult beverages, and eat barbeque or Maryland bluefin crabs or something similar.

Golf. If the golf course doesn’t have a pirate ship, a castle, a dinosaur, a windmill, or a waterfall on it, I’m not interested. Real golf is expensive, the balls only come in one color (white), and grown men actually care about their score in this silly game. Mini-golf is cheap, the balls come in a rainbow of colors*, and no one over the age of 12 really cares what their score is.

*My younger daughter, Ally Jane, usually goes for the yellow or pink ball; older daughter Beth usually takes green; my wife Joni likes purple; I go for blue or red (cuz “red ones go faster!”)

The NBA. The regular season is meaningless, as about half the teams go to the playoffs, anyway. Why not just skip that, put everyone into a tournament and be done with it in a couple weeks?

Men’s Tennis. My impression of men’s tennis these days is that it’s all about serving the ball as hard and fast as you can and hoping the other dude can’t hit it back, or if he does, it will be out of bounds. If he does manage to hit it back in bounds, you’re probably so over-extended from smashing the serve to him that you can’t hit it back. Have you seen any decent volleys in men’s tennis lately? Me, either.

The New England Patriots. They cheat, they taunt opponents, and year after year, the sportswriters gush over them. Root for the Patriots? I’d rather be dipped in poop.

The Baltimore Ravens. Where I live (Scenic Convenient-To-Nowhere, Maryland), the majority of football fans (I’d say 70%) root for the thuggish Ravens. Ugh. Root for the Ravens? I’d rather be dipped in poop. Upside down. With my mouth braced open. 

NASCAR. Do left turns for hours? Nah. Not for me. And watching it for the crashes is just ill, ill, ill. 

College Sports. Really, when you’re talking college sports, you’re talking football and basketball: when do you ever hear about college baseball? Or hockey? Or curling? 

My beefs against college sports are: too many teams to keep track of in too many conferences, rankings by polls, and—in the case of college football—no genuine national championship.

College sports? No thank ye. I’ll stick with the pros.

Daniel Snyder. I used to be a hardcore Redskins fan, from 1978 to 2005. But after Daniel Snyder purchased the team in 1999, being a Redskins fan was like being in an abusive relationship. 

At first, I put up with it: I could handle my team losing. But eventually, I found that what I couldn’t handle was my team losing because they are owned by an interfering, know-nothing, hyperactive egomaniac who has managed to make the Redskins the most profitable team in the NFL while simultaneously making them a laughingstock on the playing field (record under Snyder, as of February 2007: 54-58, with two playoff appearances). 

So I followed my wife’s lead and became a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. And I’m happy. I feel like I divorced trainwreck drama queen Ginger and settled down with Mary Ann. 

Redskins fans, content yourselves with what was achieved under the glorious Gibbs I era (1981-1992), because that will never happen again in your lifetimes. We all know that with Danny at the helm, the Redskins are a dysfunctional organization. So long as Danny owns the team, the Redskins will never win another Super Bowl. They’re simply too [messed] up. 

Jogging. Boring. Except when it’s painful and exhausting. 

Cheerleading. My main problem with cheerleading is that there’s no escaping the fact that cheerleading is peripheral to the action on the field. Why jump around and yell catchy rhymes in support of what the boys are doing on the field when you could go out there and compete? If you really want your girl involved with sports, get her out there playing, not cheerleading. This isn’t the Fifties anymore.

Also, it ooges me out to see teenagers and pre-pubescent girls wearing skimpy outfits and doing the same suggestive dance routines that NFL cheerleaders and NBA dance teams do. There’s been this weird and sick trend in American society over the past decade or so to sexualize children, and cheerleading these days only seems to feed that. I don’t have any problem with grown women going out there and shaking it for the crowd: it’s a semi-free country, after all. But I don’t want to see kids doing it. 

Speaking of kids….

Sports for Kids. After-school sports programs for kids can be fine: my neighbor coaches his sons in a hockey league, and it seems to be an excellent way for him to spend time with his kids. 

But too many parents I know treat sports as another form of daycare: drop the kids off for a few hours and let some other grown-up watch them. Any wonder that those kids are in practice or at games almost every hour not spent sleeping, eating, or at school? 

On a side note, why all the damn over-structuring and over-scheduling with kids these days? What happened to just going outside and playing? What happened to just goofing off?

Sports Illustrated. Reading Sports Illustrated is like digging through a septic tank for diamonds. For every column by the the great Dr. Z, one suffers through the mindless blather of Great White Idiot Peter King or Don “Bandwagon” Banks, both of whom tend to gush like puppylove-stricken schoolboys over whatever team is doing well that year. Sickening. 

Most annoyingly, there’s SI’s ever-increasing emphasis on cheesecake. For quite some time, the annual Swimsuit Issue has been pushing the envelope of how much skin you can show in a magazine without forcing it to be wrapped in brown paper. The "Hot Clicks" section on their site should just be called "Hot Chicks." SI.com also has plenty of photos of NFL, NBA, and college cheerleaders to be found. Enough! The magazine is called Sports Illustrated: give me sports and leave the pics of nearly-nekkid chicks for Maxim. 

Hunting. Here’s how whack our country is: shooting Bambi and Thumper is legal; shooting rapists and child molesters is not. Someone explain that to me, please. 

Where I live, in Scenic Convenient-To-Nowhere, Maryland, hunting is very popular, but it is not for me. If you’re gonna eat what you kill, I’m cool with that. If you just want a head on your wall to impress me, well, it would impress me more if you had caught and killed the animal with your bare hands. If you can pull that off against a grizzly, I’ll be even more impressed.

As for controlling the deer population, I say bring back wolves, bears, and cougars. Folks in Florida manage to live with gators: we can manage to live with other kinds of carnivores in the area. It’ll teach folks to keep a closer eye on their kids. And maybe my neighbors won’t put their little yap dogs out at 5 in the morning. 

Fishing. Any activity where you sit still on a boat or a pier for hours is not a sport. “Sport” implies physical movement. Fishing is not a sport; it’s either a business (if you’re doing it for money), or a just a way to goof off. 

Sailing. Sportswriter Michael Wilbon once said something along the lines of, “Any activity where you wear a costume instead of a uniform is not a sport.” I’d like to add that any activity where you wear docksiders (with no socks, of course) is not a sport, either. Sailing is merely a hobby undertaken, for the most part, by middle-aged businessmen who live in Annapolis and wear their sweaters tied around their shoulders. These are usually the same guys who play golf. 

That's all for now....
 

Posted February 2007. Updated October 2008.